I was recently contacted by a TV producer seeking kinky couples for a tv show set to premier  next spring.

The email read:

We’re currently working with a major cable network on a television project that’s dedicated to highlighting the wildest, craziest and most unusual sexual fetishes out there and meeting the couples (or singles!) who believe that adding a little – or a lot – of spice in the bedroom is the best way to keep their sex lives fun and fresh! We’re looking for everyday couples (or singles) who have fully embraced a unique sexual fetish and have no intention of slowing down. If you’re ready to share your fetish with the world in the hopes of removing the stigma that often accompanies them, we want to hear from you!

I spoke with the producer over the phone to feel her out. First, she wanted to know if I could refer any of my clients, and I point blank turned that down because, as a matter of policy, I never involve my clients in media inquiries. Then she wanted to know if I could put out some feelers in the kink community to see if anyone would be interested in participating. She seemed to have her heart in the right place, explaining that they wanted to put kink in a positive light, and show how sexual experimentation can be (and is) used by couples to enhance relationships. But in the end, after conferring with other colleagues, I decided to pass on getting involved.

On one hand, I think this project, if done properly, could represent a tidal shift in the way that our society views non-normative sexual behavior. Portraying kinky couples in a positive light, showing that they are often deeply committed and involved in their relationship– often more involved than their “vanilla” counterparts, would be a great boost to reducing social stigma around kink. (And yeah I know, 50 Shades was a hit, but that was more of a “bodice ripper” and probably did more in perpetuating harmful stereotypes (the damaged dom with an abusive background) than actually removing them).

On the other hand, we all know that the media makes its money by sensationalizing things, and the media is not yet where it needs to be in truly understanding this subject in order for me to be assured that the subjects of this TV program will not be exploited. When I asked the producer who they would have on hand as a subject matter expert, she seemed to be surprised and taken aback by the question, then stammered that “of course, we will have done our research and will portray this subject accurately,” but her response did not have me convinced. She was more interested in finding “fun” couples, and I would need way more of my concerns assuaged before I could feel that I could continue.

In the end, I wish this project well. I hope that they do create a program that adheres to their stated goals. If so, that would be a big win for sexual freedom, and most importantly, social justice. Although I am a sexologist and sex therapist and my doctoral degree is in Clinical Sexology, I also hold a degree in Social Work and spent years helping disadvantaged and disenfranchised individuals through harm reduction work in the streets of NYC. So, social justice is a major aspect of my mission.

As I discussed in the Sex For Smart People podcast, I think the kink community right now is where the gay rights movement was 40 years ago. In 1973, the DSM took out homosexuality as a disease, and here we are years later with numerous states legalizing same-sex marriage and more states on the way, like a chain of dominoes falling. Almost exactly 40 years later, in 2013, the American Psychiatric Association took paraphilias (or fetishes) out of the latest edition of the DSM (5). I foresee a similar trajectory for our social understanding of kink. Now, kinky people can obviously get married, so it won’t be an issue of marriage, but more like they will be able to be “out” about it and it won’t be socially acceptable for others to rush in and pathologize them for it.

So, here’s to this TV show succeeding– but in a socially just way.