I recently received a very interesting question from a writer for Women’s Health Magazine. She asked:  

A new British study that found young adults describing a culture where men are pushing for anal sex from their female partners, even though they expect them not to enjoy it much. I was wondering why this behavior might be common, and how to better communicate with your partner about anal sex and how to deal if your partner is making you feel pressured.

My response:

Young men are pushing for anal sex because that is what they see in porn. They may not care if the woman enjoys it for similar reasons in that most porn is male-centric, often centering around themes of power and aggression.

If women feel pressured, they need to set clear boundaries and be able to communicate that their needs are an essential aspect of the experience.  Young men often learn about sex through porn so their views about sex can be skewed.

I think this exchange is important enough to unpack because on the surface it appears that I am criticizing porn, but I think that my answer is far more nuanced and touches upon several very important issues. First, it is true that porn does not provide a realistic portrayal of the experience of sex. But porn is not education. It is entertainment. Just like action movies do not show realistic portrayals of the FBI, CIA or Secret Service. Porn is not supposed to be enlightening. It’s supposed to get people off, and that’s about it. If young people are learning how to have sex from porn, it’s not a condemnation of porn, but rather the finger needs to be pointed at the complete absence of sex education in many school districts. Abstinence only education just doesn’t work. Tons of data show that young people who receive abstinence only education have higher rates of pregnancies, STDs, and so on. In other words, they have worse outcomes than those teens who receive a proper, well-rounded sex education, which includes classes on safe sex. If teens don’t learn anything about sex in schools, and their parents also pass the buck, then they have nowhere else to learn about sex then from porn.

Second, I believe aggression is a major part of sexuality, particularly male sexuality. The data also support this statement. Research in over 20 countries shows that rates of sex crimes goes down inversely with the rise in availability of porn. In other words, more porn, less sex crimes. This isn’t a matter of opinion. This is data from independent research in a variety of countries, including the US, Czech Republic, Hong Kong, Denmark, Sweden, Germany, Japan, Croatia, Finland, and on and on and on. Taking a look at this voluminous evidence, one can easily conclude that, in the aggregate, porn consumption is a net substitute for sexual aggression in society. Why is male aggression infused in their sexuality? Good question, and many theories exist to try to find a solution. But think about this– men have over 10 times the amount of testosterone as women pumping through their blood stream. And testosterone is the hormone that regulates both aggression and sexual desire.

In conclusion, aggressive porn exists to satisfy a pre-existing market. It has never been proven that porn creates a market. In other words, a specific kind of niche, categorical porn, such as a focus on anal sex, will have no effect on someone who is not already aroused by it. Porn exists to satisfy sexual desire, it does not transform it. So a lot of guys are aroused by aggressive, dominant behavior. What else is new? Is this actually surprising to anyone? Studies show that male testosterone levels rise and fall during competition– the winners of an athletic match have elevated testosterone levels, while the testosterone of the losers dips. Dominance and aggression elevates testosterone levels, which most likely also elevates desire and arousal levels. This is basic science.  Trying to fight this is akin to trying to change male sexuality to something else– perhaps female sexuality?

So what we have here is that young males, who likely have little to no sex education, and who also by nature are already more likely to be aroused by sexual depictions of aggressive behavior, are now asking their girlfriends for the kind of sex they see in porn.  Like I indicated in my response, young women need to be able to assert boundaries and press for their own needs, but the issue described by the Women’s Health writer is a problem with sex education, not a problem with porn.