GalleryLast post I discussed some ideas around self exploration and peak experiences that strongly resonate with me. In this post, I’m going to address another issue which is just as equally important to me– harm reduction. What is harm reduction and what application does it have for sexuality in general and sex therapy in particular?
First, let me say that my introduction to the field of sex therapy was in harm reduction, so all of my work is firmly rooted through this lens. Initially I volunteered and then worked in several harm reduction facilities in the city conducting outreach to homeless intravenous (IV) drug users, street prostitutes, and transgendered individuals. For example, I would go into Tomkins Square Park in the village and trade clean needles for old, dirty ones. I always wore an ID badge to make sure I wasn’t arrested. I would go into known prostitution areas and hand out fresh condoms to mitigate the chances of them contacting STDs. If they were ready for help, I’d bring them back to the facility and connect them with a benefits counselor who would assist them with getting sober and finding housing and any other necessities they needed.
According to psychologist Andrew Tatarsky at the Center for Optimal Living, harm reduction is “a philosophy and set of interventions that seek to reduce harmful consequences of substance use and other risky behaviors without requiring abstinence.” Without requiring abstinence? What is that about? I think an important point here, and one that many harm reduction theorists and practitioners would argue, is that abstinence doesn’t work for everyone. Or […]
What is Harm Reduction?
GalleryWhat are Aliveness and Flow?
I’m going to take an interlude from all the fetish talk for a moment to bring up another area of great interest to me, as I believe that the subject matter is not only directly related to sexuality, but to how we understand and synthesize the rest of our life experiences as well. Earlier, I’ve written about bias in the field of sexology here and here (warning: fetish talk). Understanding the mechanics of how biases are developed and reinforced is a very crucial topic for sexologists (and any scientists, really), and dovetails nicely into other important concepts such as “aliveness” and “flow.” If this feels confusing, don’t worry, I’ll explain all.
When we take a look at the genesis of any belief system, we have to take into account two key factors: influence and reinforcement. I’ll examine both of these in turn. First, no belief system can take hold if an initial seed is not planted, which requires influence. In other words, we believe the things we do because at one point or another, we were influenced by someone or something that had enough influence to change or mold our beliefs. As kids we were influenced by our parents, by teachers, by mentors, by peer leaders. As adults our views may be less moldable, but we still have people around us with varying levels of influence. Said differently, we will pay attention to what we learn from those who have influence over us and dismiss or discard what we hear from those that hold no influence. Yeah, influence is important.
But the seeds of belief that are implanted by […]
GalleryMore on Working with Fetishes: Important Considerations
My earlier post about whether it is possible to eradicate fetishes appears to have struck a nerve, as I have heard from folks all over the world with their comments, questions, and requests for further information. I want to thank everyone for writing in– everyone’s communications have been very thoughtful and respectful, and it is really heartening to be able to reach so many in constructive dialogue.
As I read over the article however, I realize that, while pointing out what I believe to be inappropriate and unethical treatment, I do not go into any detail about what I do believe to be appropriate treatment protocols when someone is seeking help with a fetish. So, to address that gap, I’m going to go into some treatment protocols here in this particular post. It’s a lengthy and very broad topic, so I think this may very well turn into a series of postings, but I’ll see how it goes. For this article though, I’m just going to focus on initial steps (edit: as you’ll see, I found that laying down some groundwork of important initial considerations took up a lot of writing, so in this post, I am focusing on the groundwork, and I’ll talk about specific interventions in subsequent posts).
First, in the interest of disclosure, let me put it out there that I hold a sex-positive perspective. For more on what this means, you can take a look at my article about sex positivity here. Basically, I start out with the assumption that sexual behavior is neither inherently negative nor pathological unless shown to be otherwise. In other words, the meaning […]
GalleryAnnouncement: New Book Deal
It’s been a lot of hard work and a lot of blood, sweat and tears, but I’m pleased to announce that just this past week I’ve been offered a book deal with a large publisher. The book will be based on my work as a sex therapist and will provide a platform for various ideas that I’ve been developing for years about sociology, society, culture, psychology, and sex. The book’s content is entirely original, with material I mostly haven’t written or shown anywhere before and it maybe only touches on 5-10% of the topics I’ve written about in this blog. In other words, the stuff in this book will be all fresh. My intention in writing this book is to put some ideas out there into the public square and start a discussion going. I’m looking at a publication date somewhere in late spring 2016 (Edit: late fall 2016), so we’ve got a lot of time and I’ll keep everyone posted. My agent is currently working on specifics of the contract, so I will have more details and info to come.
I would like to thank to my literary agent, Matthew Carnicelli, who believed enough in my ideas and in their importance to take time away from his celebrity clients and help me develop and streamline those initially loose ideas into a cohesive narrative that he could show to publishers. Most importantly, he connected me with an editor at the publishing house who really understood my material and has the passion, experience and vision to help me polish and develop it to the next level.
I will keep this post short for now, and I will […]
GallerySexuality and Censorship
Earlier this month, UK anti-porn advocates won a monumental and far-reaching victory when the UK government passed the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014, in which a whole host of sexual acts are now banned from British porn, based on what the board deems as “content that is not acceptable.” I will get into the list of taboo acts in a moment, but first I think it is important to take a look at what this ruling means. In my opinion, it sets an extremely dangerous precedent, in which some third party or government body can effectively censor anything that they may subjectively object to, even if the material is consensual and harms no one.
Avant-garde Yugoslav film director Dusan Makavejev created films in the 1970s focusing on the intersection between government, society, and sexuality. In his work, he raised a critical eye towards authority and its desire, or more like incessant drive, to eradicate and suppress all freedom and dissent. For his efforts, he was persecuted and eventually blacklisted. As Makavejev so deftly shows in his films, the first line of suppression for any authoritarian government is one of the key sources of our human creativity, inspiration, and personal sense of freedom– our sexuality. History shows that as soon as an authoritarian government rises to power, one of the first things to go is human sexual rights.
Take a look around at the world, and you can see for yourself the crackdown of human sexuality imposed by authoritarian and dictatorial regimes– Egypt’s gay community targeted by government crackdown http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/apr/17/egypt-gay-community-fears-government-crackdown , Russia’s institutional violence and discrimination towards gays http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/religious-right-leader-backs-russian-cra , Uganda’s anti-homosexuality legislation http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-29994678 , […]
GalleryIs it Possible to Eradicate a Fetish?
In a recent post, I wrote about how the field of sexology is uneven in its application and rife with regional and individual biases, largely due to general sex phobia and a subsequent lack of empirical research within the field. Recently, a debate on the mailing list of one of the sexological organizations to which I belong touched again upon discrepancies within the field. The discussion in question concerned whether or not it is possible to eradicate a fetish. Most respondents were in agreement that, like a sexual orientation, eradicating a sexual fetish is not only not possible, but particularly in fetishes that cause no harm, even unethical.
One clinician, however, stated not only that eradicating a fetish is possible, but then went on to describe exactly how (he/she believes) it is done. The methodology described was so disturbing, however, that I felt it necessary to challenge the ideas presented and to present both his/her perspective as well as my response here on my blog as a cautionary tale to individuals who may have questions regarding their own sexuality so that the know what to avoid in therapy. I have eliminated any details that could reveal the identify of the other clinician.
Below is what the clinician wrote in support of fetish eradication. I am highlighting and italicizing the most objectionable aspects:
I don’t see a fetish as similar to sexual orientation – it is something that does reflect “something wrong”, and in my own experience, DOES respond to therapy! One issue is that sexual fetishes – paraphilias – typically involve sexual activity with something that does not provide the […]
GalleryNew Study: “Unusual” Sexual Fantasies Not So Unusual
Earlier I wrote about how the term sexual “deviance” has absolutely no scientific merit, and now just a few weeks later a new study comes out in the prestigious Journal of Sexual Medicine, which surveyed over 1500 respondent about their sexual fantasies, and determined that almost none of them are really that unusual.
Let’s take a closer look at the nuts and bolts of this survey. It breaks down the sexual fantasies into very specific details and separates participants by gender. Most interestingly, only two of the fantasies were found to be rare and men and women were found to differ significantly in the amount and content of their fantasies. The two more rare fantasies were having sex with a child younger than 12 (pedophilia) at roughly 1.5% (0.8% women and 1.8% men) and having sex with animals (zoophilia) (3%women and 2.2% men). Remember, these numbers reflect the people who were willing to disclose these kinds of fantasies– self reports like these are notorious for underreporting.
More unusual, but by no means rare fantasies included fantasies around urination (water sports) for both women (7%) and men (9%) and the following fantasies only for women: wearing clothes of the opposite gender (6.9%), forcing someone to have sex (10.8%), abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious (10.8%), having sex with a prostitute (12.5%), and having sex with a women who has very small breasts (10.8%). NONE of these were found to be unusual at all for men. In general men had way more fantasies than women, and indicated a higher desire to experience them in real […]
GalleryStudy Seeking Participants: BDSM and Personality
As a sexologist and sex therapist, I am always on the lookout for projects that can help shed some light on the subject of human sexuality. Not only is there a dearth of research on sexuality in general, but the study of alternative sexualities, such as kink, is especially barren. You can read more of my thoughts on the field of sexology here.
Anyway, I wanted to pass along the info for a research study being conducted right here in NYC by a 5th year doctoral psychology student at Yeshiva University. It is intended to study the relationship between personality and BDSM and is open to anyone in the world through an online survey, as long as the individual fits the right criteria. I’ll just cut to the chase and copy all the pertinent info about this research study and you can click on the link to the survey and decide for yourself if participating in this project feels right to you. Disclaimer: I am not personally involved in any manner with this research study.
I am a 5th year psychology doctoral student at Yeshiva University completing my dissertation research exploring the relationship between individuals’ personalities and behaviors in different domains. This study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board of Albert Einstein College of Medicine at Yeshiva University, New York, NY (IRB Number: 2014-3480).
Participation involves completing a series of online questionnaires. The questionnaires will take roughly 15 minutes to complete. Questionnaires will ask about various demographic, social, and behavioral information. If you complete the questionnaires fully and provide your email address, you will be entered to win a $20 […]
GallerySexually “Deviant” Fantasies: A Concept Without Credibility
As a member of numerous sexuality organizations, I’m often involved in a variety of conversations, both online and in-person, with colleagues in my field. The truth is, even amongst professionals, the field of sexology is still dominated by regional biases, rather than dispassionate science. For example, a sex therapist in New York City, where I practice, is probably going to hold a more tolerant view of a broad spectrum of sexual practices than a sex therapist in more conservative regions. I suppose this is something that would be obvious to most readers, but unfortunately, this lack of uniformity is a black mark on the field of sexology. Case in point, a cardiologist in New York is likely to have the same level of knowledge and theoretical background as a cardiologist in Biloxi, Mississippi. An opthalmologist in Seattle will probably agree on mostly everything with an opthalmologist in Tulsa, Oklahoma. That’s because these are medical practices ruled by scientific study. And sexology is a scientific discipline as well. But it is poorly funded, so there’s still a lot we don’t know about sexual practices from a scientific standpoint. As a result, sexology (and sex therapy) is still dominated by local mores, community standards, and personal prejudice.
As a case in point, I will briefly discuss an online conversation in one of the organizations I belong to. I don’t want to reveal anything too personal about anyone involved in the conversation, so I will just touch upon the main themes that I think are extremely important because they touch upon a major issue– the current state of the field of sexology […]
GalleryMale Sexuality, Aggression and Porn
I recently received a very interesting question from a writer for Women’s Health Magazine. She asked:
A new British study that found young adults describing a culture where men are pushing for anal sex from their female partners, even though they expect them not to enjoy it much. I was wondering why this behavior might be common, and how to better communicate with your partner about anal sex and how to deal if your partner is making you feel pressured.
My response:
Young men are pushing for anal sex because that is what they see in porn. They may not care if the woman enjoys it for similar reasons in that most porn is male-centric, often centering around themes of power and aggression.
If women feel pressured, they need to set clear boundaries and be able to communicate that their needs are an essential aspect of the experience. Young men often learn about sex through porn so their views about sex can be skewed.
I think this exchange is important enough to unpack because on the surface it appears that I am criticizing porn, but I think that my answer is far more nuanced and touches upon several very important issues. First, it is true that porn does not provide a realistic portrayal of the experience of sex. But porn is not education. It is entertainment. Just like action movies do not show realistic portrayals of the FBI, CIA or Secret Service. Porn is not supposed to be enlightening. It’s supposed to get people off, and that’s about it. If young people are learning how to have sex from porn, […]
Prevention: Is Sex Addiction Real?
Romper: Emotional Infidelity
Fatherly: BDSM More Common Than You Think
E! Online: Marrying a Murderer
Who Magazine: What is Bisexuality?
CNN: Why Men May Exaggerate Their Sex Numbers
Women’s Health: 10 Kinky Sex Ideas
NY Post: How Tattoos Can Sabotage Your Love Life
Allure: 8 BDSM Sex Tips to Try If You’re a Total Beginner
Great article in Prevention Magazine about the sex addiction controversy. Check out what I had to say.
Romper approached me again for another quote, this time about emotional infidelity.
Interesting piece in Fatherly about BDSM in which I was interviewed.
https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/bdsm-kinky-sex-not-uncommon/
E! News picked up my an interview I did with Vice a few years ago about hybristophilia, which is the attraction to criminals. Very interesting story.
Who is Australia's version of People Magazine. They wanted to know what bisexuality is and I provided some insight.
Seems like something doesn't add up on sex surveys-- are men exaggerating their number of partners? Check out what I tell CNN.
Women's Health asked me for some kinky ideas to spice up one's sex life.
I was interviewed by the NY Post about all the ways in which I've seen bad tattoos sabotage relationships.
Allure Magazine asked me about tips for BDSM beginners.
I answer questions from Salon.com about the infamous porn site PornHub.
I tell Cosmo about the personality traits of monogamous individuals.
I explain to Refinery29 why it's so important to not fake orgasms in a relationship.
I am interviewed in this fairly nuanced piece on the pros and cons of porn.
I am interviewed by Headspace, one of the best meditation and mindfulness apps available, on how to become more present.
https://www.headspace.com/blog/2017/05/26/enjoy-sex-more/
I am interviewed in this intriguing Business Insider article on how often happy couples have sex.
The Huffington Post in South Africa profiles my work around challenging sex addiction (including my red/yellow/green menu exercise) .
I go deep into the sex toy business with Vice.
I give some insight into this interesting topic.
https://thetab.com/us/2017/03/22/happens-boyfriend-leaves-another-man-63306
I am featured in this outstanding article in UK's Independent on women and virtual reality porn. I thought this was a fairly sharp and nuanced piece.
I give Redbook some pointers on having a 3some for the first time.
Playboy sent a journalist to watch Fifty Shades Darker, and then compared the movie with the results from my recent groundbreaking research on BDSM. Great article, enjoy!
I am featured in this terrific New York Magazine article, discussing some of the finer points brought up in the earlier article in SELF magazine (see listing below).
I am featured in this terrific article in SELF magazine on the nuances of the sex addiction debate.
Complex asked me to weigh in on this provocative topic.
I weigh in in this great advice column in Thrillist by Elle Stanger.
Great episode, check it out.
https://soundcloud.com/futureofsex/04-exploring-sexual-fluidity-bicuriousity-for-women-featuring-skirt-club-and-dr-michael-aaron
I give couples advice on how to deal with differences in preferred sleeping arrangements.
Alternet does a great job of reviewing my book. Check out the link below.
In this episode, we talk about the societal myths of sexuality, including:
I was asked to appear on Australian radio. It was a very fun segment, will post the link when I have it!
I appear on the Stereo-Typed podcast to discuss my new book, fantasies, and our shadow self. Click the audio player below and enjoy!
https://www.spreaker.com/user/crazyheart/stereo-typed-8-dancing-with-your-shadow
I appear on the Boom Doctors Podcast to discuss my new book Modern Sexuality and my work as a sex therapist. Clink the link below to listen in.
http://theboomdoctors.com/2016/09/21/ep-132-michael-aaron-on-his-work-as-a-sex-therapist-his-new-book-modern-sexuality/
I was asked by Nylon Magazine to weigh in on the subject of porn and what it means about the individual consumer. Pretty good non-pathologizing piece, check it out here:
I was interviewed by Vocativ about a new virtual reality series entitled "Virtual Sexology," designed to provide breathing and relaxation exercises in a virtual reality format to help individuals improve sexual functioning. Will something like this prove effective? The jury is out, but check out what I had to say...
I appeared on the nationally broadcasted Fusion Network Hotline show to discuss the GOP platform of porn as a "public health crisis." As part of the discussion I debate Dr. Neil Malamuth on porn and sexual violence. I thought this was a very thorough and productive half hour, which you can watch below:
In this Huffington Post article, I advise couples to use sex menus to spice things up. Check out all the details in the link below.
I appeared on French national tv channel Canal + on the Emission Antoine tv show, discussing the psychology behind financial domination. I will post a video clip of the interview shortly.
I was interviewed on Huffington Post's Love + Sex Podcast, which I'm told is the most downloaded sex and relationship podcast on iTunes. In this episode, I dispel the wild myths about "sex roulette" parties.
I was interviewed for an upcoming online sexuality discussion series, the Sexual Reawakening Summit. It features many top sex therapists from around the country and you can access it by using this link: 
In the April edition of my Men's Fitness 'Sex Files' Q&A column, I answer questions about anal sex and porn. Hurry and pick up a copy before it's off the stands!
I was asked by Women's Health Magazine to provide some advise on how to incorporate some new positions to spice up one's sex life. With a bunch of pictures and diagrams, I'm sure you'll find something that will intrigue you.
Looks like Yahoo News picked up the Reuters article on women's fears that their partners expect sexual perfectionism. Check it out.
My latest interview with Reuters, this time about social pressure on women to be perfect sexually. "Our society is filled with sexual myths and misconceptions, mostly stemming from a combination of our culture's puritanical roots, as well as rampant consumerism, which feeds off individual insecurities to sell unnecessary products," Aaron said.
Want to know more about what the AltSex NYC Conference is all about? I appear with my co-organizer, Dulcinea Pitagora, on the Sex with Timaree show, a popular podcast, to discuss numerous things including how the conference was created and what attendees can expect. Click on the link below to check it out:
https://sexwithtimareepodcast.wordpress.com/2016/02/29/ep236-the-upcoming-alt-sex-nyc-conference-sex-with-timaree-altsexnyc-2/
Head out to the newsstands and grab a copy of the Jan 2016 issue of Men's Fitness Magazine to see the premier of the new monthly "Sex Files" column in which I answer readers' sex questions. In this month's issue I answer a question in which a guy is looking to help his girlfriend enjoy more pleasure when she is having sex on top. Check out the screenshot below to see my response:
Love& is a new magazine about relationships and sex. They interviewed me about common things that women may want their guys to improve upon in the bedroom. One of the big ones is touch, as a lot of men are way too rough and don't know how to adjust their touch to what their partner wants. For more on this, and other pointers, check out the article itself below:
Market analysts predict that new virtual reality technology will revolutionize the way we experience media, and will specifically boost the porn industry to unprecedented levels. This detailed article covers a lot of ground, addressing both the technology, business and social ramifications of virtual reality porn. I was asked to give my take on the issue and somehow a 20 minute phone conversation was distilled to a brief paragraph at the end of the piece, but nonetheless, it is still a worthwhile read.
Does Bill Cosby have a fetish for unconscious women? Who knows? He's not a client and I've never met him, so I cannot say for sure, but this provocative piece in the NY Times tries to get to the bottom of his alleged bizarre behavior. The reporter did a great job dealing with some uncomfortable material, so be sure to click the link below to see what I had to say on this issue:
I was recently asked by a reporter from Men's Fitness magazine to discuss reasons why a heterosexual man might refrain from having sex with a willing woman. The questions were basically soft balls, seemingly aimed at a younger, more inexperienced, male audience, but hey, I managed to drop a few decent pointers, relating to finding out if the woman is in a relationship, and if so, what kind of relationship she is in before diving in. If you want to take a look and poke around more, you can go directly to the article below. You are going to have to click to page 3 to see my quotes, btw.
I was recently interviewed for a Men's Health article on sex toys designed for men. They wanted to know my take on these "robotic masturbators" (as they called them) and as always, I tried to take a fair and balanced view of things. I pointed out that they could be used as a way to get better acquainted with one's sexuality (as well as get some much needed relief), but an over-reliance on technology may also limit guys from developing the necessary skills that would help them form romantic relationships.
At any rate, hurry on over to the article here-- 
Go check out a great, and I mean GREAT, absolutely fascinating article in the May issue of Upscale Magazine, entitled "Secret Lovers," in which I am interviewed regarding the hush hush world of the swinger subculture. The writer does a really good job of trying to understand the psychology of folks who practice consensual non-monogamy and I think the piece is very even-handed, with some practical tips for couples who are curious about dipping their toes in the lifestyle. I'll leave you with a quote from one of the swingers profiled in the piece, which I think gives a good feel for the tone and depth of the article-- "I love to see her with two guys and two girls at once. I enjoy submissive women, and there is no sexier submission than to watch my wife please me by pleasing others." If that sounds interesting, then I suggest you head out and grab a copy. It's well worth the read.
I am featured in the Sex Q&A section of Cosmo's April 2014 issue, in which I get asked about BJs, Plan B, sex in hot tubs, and all kinds of other tittilating reader questions. They did a good job of adding all kinds of humor, including a silly picture of tea bags-- need I say more? It's a can't- miss hoot. Go and check it out at news stands now!
I just recently did an interview for a cool podcast called