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The Connection Between Attachment and Sexuality

The Connection Between Attachment and Sexuality

One of the subjects that I have spoken on extensively on over the last few years is the topic of attachment. By attachment, I am referring to the style of interpersonal relating that we have learned and internalized from childhood experiences. According to decades of research, started by psychoanalyst John Bowlby and extended by Mary Ainsworth, among many others, psychologists have identified four main types of attachment styles- secure, anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. The secure attachment style, prevalent in 65% of the population is marked by emotional stability and a childhood featuring stable and nurturing caregiving. Anxious/ambivalent attachment is characterized by obsessive preoccupations about the object of the intimate relationship and intense fear of abandonment. People with this attachment style typically have experienced inconsistent caregiving, and so have grown to feel unsafe in the stability of close relationships. Avoidant attachment is marked by the avoidance of intimacy, as well as of experiencing feeling and emotions. These folks have typically experienced more neglectful caregiving as kids. I will put aside the disorganized attachment for the moment, as it is not very common, and is typically a byproduct of more severe abuse.

At this point, I want to make an important note about what I mean by “intimacy.” I think sometimes folks get caught up in some kind of a rigid idea about what intimacy means, one that is cooked up in harlequin romance books, soap operas, and Hollywood Happy Endings. This involves the kind of romantic closeness, actually known as partner engagement, which involves the typical aspects of what we would all consider as deep and meaningful love making– the pillow talk, […]

By Michael Aaron|April 24th, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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How Emotions Become Sexualized

How Emotions Become Sexualized

In previous posts, I have written at length on the relationship between emotions and sexuality. You can see some of these articles here and here. I think most people can conceptualize how emotions can play a large part in sexual expression, but what most people often don’t understand is how emotions can actually be the primary fuel of sexuality, and in some cases, may even be the source of sexual arousal itself.

When strong negative emotions such as anger are experienced, they feel extremely uncomfortable and painful to tolerate, so the natural human impulse is to escape away or defend oneself from the pain. We may try to distract ourselves from the pain by burying ourselves in work or in seeking thrills such as alcohol, drugs, or risky sex. At other times, we may develop what’s called a counterphobic reaction to the pain by actually courting more of it as a means of building mastery over it. By taking up a counterphobic response we actually adapt strategies to face the pain head on rather than run away from it.

One example of a counterphobic response is what is known as reaction formation, which means taking on an air of overly exaggerated positive affect in response to something that may fear or hate. Examples of this can be found in many social situations. We’ve all seen group situations where people may act as if they are ecstatic to see someone about whom they were just disparaging privately. Other examples of counterphobic behavior would be the individual who becomes a pilot in order to overcome a fear of […]

By Michael Aaron|April 14th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|2 Comments

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When Love and Lust are Split

When Love and Lust are Split

One of the most common concerns I come across as a therapist is in the difficulty many people experience in reconciling relationships (love) with sexuality (lust). Indeed, I would say that almost all sexual difficulties exist within the framework of relationships. Very few would seek out help if their sexual difficulty were not interfering with some aspect of an existing relationship or in the possibility of starting a new one. Whether is is dysfunction, compulsivity, or just an inability to get one’s needs met, all sexual issues become magnified under the microscope of romantic relationships.

Often, core emotions interfere with integrating one’s sexuality into the relationship. For example, fear or shame often prevents an individual from not only directly stating his or her needs and desires in the moment but may even lead to starting up a relationship under false pretenses. I’ve seen countless individuals trapped in an unfulfilling and unhappy life of their own doing because they were too ashamed to be open about their sexuality with their partners from the very beginning.

Sometimes the sexual desire is so shameful, that the individual has learned to compartmentalize it and only experience it in secrecy. As a result, that person splits the sexual desire from any emotions that are connected to other people and relationships. It is only safe to be enjoyed alone or with another individual from whom all emotional attachment is removed. In other words, the individual’s sexuality (lust) can only be shared with an objectified other. And never with a person with whom that individual has an emotional connection.

The famed sexologist Jack Morin […]

By Michael Aaron|April 7th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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The Hidden Meaning of Sexual Fantasies

The Hidden Meaning of Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies can create a wide mix of reactions for people. They may often feel exciting and exhilarating. But often sexual fantasies may feel troubling for the person who is experiencing them. They may seem so at odds with the person’s view of themselves that the individual may feel intense shame and a strong desire to do anything to get rid of them. Often though, the sexual fantasies are harmless and trying to understand them, rather than push them away, will be the most helpful strategy to disarm them. Many times, the fantasy actually loses all its power if acted upon; the strength of the fantasy is only in the fantasy.

I see sexual fantasies as types of waking dreams. And just as many people keep dream journals or like to discuss their dreams with friends or their therapist, so too can sexual fantasies be analyzed in much the same. Just like dreams, sexual fantasies can be seen as wish-fulfillment. For example, someone who feels overburdened with responsibility may experience frequent fantasies involving submission scenarios, where the full brunt of responsibility is shifted to another person. Or, someone who feels invisible in his or her daily life may experience fantasies involving power, dominance, and control.

Fantasies involving strangers or numerous partners can point towards a strong desire for anonymity. Fantasies involving aggressive acts or rough sex may indicate an underlying feeling of rage towards the object of the fantasy or just simply a desire for reckless abandon in the face of a daily life filled with keeping up a facade of collected calm and control. Fantasies […]

By Michael Aaron|March 22nd, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Addicted to Addiction

Addicted to Addiction

Last week, a colleague consulted with me on a challenging case in which his client cannot enjoy sex unless he is engaged in smoking. The client, who also struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), specifically cites the feeling of being addicted to nicotine as the most arousing aspect of this behavior. In other words, he is aroused by addiction.

In trying to make sense of this, I think the first thing to understand is the role that this person’s OCD plays in his everyday experience of life. Many would argue that OCD is some sort of inborn disruption of the neurochemicals in the brain, and maybe there’s some truth to that in some cases, but the first things that I look at are the themes of anxiety and control. Specifically, how do this person’s obsessions and compulsions help him to gain a greater sense of control over his anxiety? In my experience, an individual experiencing either obsessions (incessant thoughts) or compulsions (incessant behaviors) inevitably uses either or both of these as strategies to manage and control anxiety. Unfortunately, they often only serve the purpose of making the anxiety worse.

Often, other people will categorize those who suffer with OCD as “anal” or “control freaks,” but this controlling behavior can best be understood as an antidote to the overwhelming feeling of anxiety that these folks experience on a regular basis. The constant ruminating (obsessional thinking) and ritualized behaviors (compulsions) can come across as overly controlled, but this is the only way that these folks have learned to defend against constant and intense anxiety.

This is where I think the […]

By Michael Aaron|March 19th, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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What Role Does Anger Play in Sexual Dysfunctions?

What Role Does Anger Play in Sexual Dysfunctions?

Sexual dysfunction– whether an inability to achieve erection, premature ejaculation, pain or discomfort– afflicts millions of people around the world. Recent data suggests that about 30 million men in the US suffer with erectile dysfunction (ED), for example, and one in four of them are below the age of 40. While older guys are more likely to have some physical ailment, such as a cardiovascular condition, primarily contribute to the ED, for a large number of men, especially the younger guys, the ED stems primarily from a psychological and emotional issue. In my practice, I mainly see the younger guys struggling with ED, and for them, drugs such as Viagra and Cialis, while a miracle cure for older guys with health issues, do very little to solve their difficulties.

For the purpose of this article, I’m going to focus on ED, although the basic principles would apply for all the other kinds of sexual dysfunctions that people may experience. When we take a closer look at psychological or emotional issues, such obvious ones as anxiety and fear come to mind as likely contributors. Clearly, someone who is anxious about their performance and fearful of a shameful experience if the sex act doesn’t go well, is more likely to struggle with ED symptoms. But I would like to take a closer look at another problematic emotion that often gets overlooked– anger. Folks who regularly read this blog may recall a previous post where I detailed how anger (and its intense cousin, rage) can wreak havoc on the body. In this particular article, I would like the […]

By Michael Aaron|February 24th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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The Triangular Theory of Love

The Triangular Theory of Love

Another one from the archive vault…

There has been a lot of recent research concerning what makes a successful relationship work. One of the leading lights in this research is Dr. Gottman, who stated he could predict with a high degree of accuracy which marriages would end up in divorce, merely by the ways in which the couple communicated with each other. I will write more about Dr. Gottman in a future post.

Another important researcher in this area is Dr. Robert Sternberg, a psychologist specializing in cognition, who created the Triangular Theory of Love. I want to take a moment to describe this theory, since I think that it does a good job of describing the types of relationships that people may find themselves in.

This theory holds that all successful love relationships are comprised of three key areas, which symbolize the three end points of a triangle:

Intimacy: which is the feeling of closeness, sharing and connectedness.
Passion:which is the drive for romance, physical attraction, and sexual desire.
Commitment: which is the desire to stay together.

Not all relationships possess all three qualities, but an ideal love, or “consummate love” as he coins it, contains all three. Some relationships possess only one or two of the above qualities and Dr. Sternberg categorizes types of relationships by which of these three qualities are present in the relationship.

For example, “Non-love” would describe a relationship with none of the qualities listed above, while “Liking/friendship” contains intimacy, but no passion or commitment. Below is a list of all the other types of relationships based on the triangle:

Infatuated love: pure passion, absolutely no intimacy or commitment; otherwise […]

By Michael Aaron|January 24th, 2014|Couples Therapy, Sex Therapy|1 Comment

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The Use of Role-Play as a Means of Identity Exploration

The Use of Role-Play as a Means of Identity Exploration

Note: This article and subsequent articles about various aspects of power dynamics and kink within relationships is not meant as specific suggestions or clinical advice and is only meant as a psychological examination of diverse sexual behaviors.

In an earlier article, I talked about the psychologist Donald Mosher’s three types of sex– trance, role-play and partner engagement. In this article, I want to take a much closer look at the psychological aspects of the second category, role-play.

It is first important to understand what is meant by the term “role.” According to the dictionary definition, a role is a “characteristic and expected social behavior of an individual.” I think the key ideas here are that roles are implicitly social in context and are based on agreed-upon (social) expectations. Roles come in many guises. We all have interpersonal roles– such as mother, father, child, brother, sister, etc. We have work roles– supervisor, apprentice, etc. And we have many other contextual roles– breadwinner, caretaker, jokester, black sheep, villain and so on. The more roles we have, the more we can feel boxed in, living up to a multitude of social expectations. Often, we may find ourselves in a multitude of roles– father, brother, son, husband, breadwinner, boss, entrepreneur, and so on. Every single role foisted upon us (or that which we willingly take on) add another wall to our sense of possibilities and freedom.

Someone, for example, who is a a mother who also has a very demanding corporate job and is the breadwinner for the family would probably find it much more difficult to behave with a sense […]

By Michael Aaron|December 24th, 2013|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Ecstasy Through Surrender

Ecstasy Through Surrender

I’m sure that anyone reading this article has heard someone close to them say (or has said it him or herself) something like “I just need to let go.” As a therapist, I know that many of my clients can relate to that idea. Let’s face it though, in our modern society, it is very difficult to “just let go.” We are constantly driven by a myriad of pressures, both internal and external. The need to succeed, to compete with others for social status and gain, the need to pay bills, the need to save money, the need to raise kids, and so on and so on. It never ends.

But this constant need for striving has its own inherent risks and drawbacks. It leads to chronic anxiety, tension and depression. Success has its opportunity costs. Some of the most successful people in our society are also the ones with the most emotions and psychological difficulties.

I want to take a closer look at the concept of anxiety. At its root, there is a element of “holding on” that I think is a fundamental aspect of anxiety. When I ask highly anxious people about what they experience, they’ll often mention that their anxiety feels almost like a much-needed friend, as if it is their one last firm grasp on reality. That their anxiety helps them feel alive. And that if […]

By Michael Aaron|December 19th, 2013|Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Three Types of Sex

Three Types of Sex

Often in my practice I see clients who may feel a combination of shame, guilt and confusion about their sexual interests and preferences. When working with such a client, I find it very helpful to use a very powerful model developed by psychologist Donald Mosher to describe the various types of sexual styles to my client. This model, which categorizes three main styles of sexual interactions, often helps clients to normalize and destigmatize their behavior.

In Mosher’s model, the first style of sexual interaction is called “Sexual Trance.” This refers to sex that is purely physical in nature. All (or most) emotions are removed and the sex doesn’t signify anything beyond pleasurable friction of genitals. Mosher refers to this as a trance because partners are mostly emotionally disconnected and preoccupied with their own pleasure.

The second style is “Role Play.” This style is actually what it sounds like. This type of sex involves a high degree of creativity and exploration. It involves an strong level of identity testing and formation and may often feel very psychologically intense for both partners, which often feels very intimate and bonding for both. This style of sex is a great example of the way in which sexuality and psychology can be fused. This style however may include less emotional involvement than the third stage because folks may often be working things out and so be more preoccupied with their self-needs within this style.

The third style is “Partner Engagement.” This is the kind of sensual love-making, pillow-talking and eye-gazing that people often think of when they talk about intimacy. This style […]

By Michael Aaron|October 29th, 2013|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment